The birds and the bees according to Jakotsu
by kirayasha aka kira
Summary: Never nookie cuz you might wind up with an arse baby… Winner of LJ's IYHedonism's Mods' Choice award.


Title: The birds and the bees according to Jakotsu  
Author: kira  
Rating: Adult  
Characters: Jakotsu/Bankotsu  
Genre, AU/Canon, etc.: crack!humor, precanon-verse  
Words: 888  
Summary: Never nookie cuz you might wind up with an ass baby…  
Warnings: none

Author's note: Special thanks to Hime-sama for coming up with the title for this fic.

This also takes place during the events that happened in my fic, "Knocked up Joke." No former knowledge of that fic is needed to enjoy this. If you're wondering about it, Jak had food poisoning while away with Ren on a mission. Ren uses that as a way to get back at Ban as well as Jak for being a pain in his butt, by having Jak pretend he's pregnant to get Ban to dote on him again.

Author's note 2: This won Mods' Choice at LJ's IYhedonism comm..

FYI: "Hermadingle" is Jak's word for hermaphrodite.

888

Bankotsu lay on his side in the futon, his head propped up on an upturned palm as he gazed as his paramour. "How you feeling?"

"Like shit, but I don't want to throw up any more." Jakotsu smiled wanly at him.

"That's good, no?"

"Yeah…" The cross-dresser looked away.

"Then what's wrong, Sweetness? You don't feel sick again, do you?"

Jakotsu shook his head.

"You sure? Then what's bothering you?" Bankotsu cupped his cheek, forcing the eighteen year old to look at him.

The cross-dresser sighed. "I wish I could give you an heir," he said softly. "Every great man needs one." He looked up and met his lover's gaze. "If I did, then you wouldn't be busy with all those village girls."

The young leader of the Shichinintai laughed to hide his discomfiture. "Well, I just have my way with them cuz they want it."

"Oh really?" Jakotsu said dryly.

"Yeah! They just lie back, open their kimono, spread their legs and invite me in." The fifteen year old laughed.

"Whores…"

"Yup! Besides, who'd want an heir from them?"

"My mother must have thought my father did."

"I'm sorry; I didn't mean it that way…" He leaned over to kiss the older boy, but Jakotsu put up a hand and turned his head away. "Sweetness…" When Jakotsu refused to answer him, he added, "You know I'd love it if you could give me an heir and I don't care what shit Ren and Sui told you about hermadingles, but we both know that's not possible."

"I know…" the cross-dresser trailed off softly. His eyes went wide when it hit him. "Oh hell!"

"What?"

"Sui said I'd have to shit the baby out… I know a bitch crack's big enough, but a shit-hole isn't…" he mused. "Haven't you seen your mother have a baby?"

"No… I was the last one she had… I think. I don't really remember, Sweetness. I used to think my sister Fumiko was my mother."

"Oh… maybe she was…?"

"Nah… if she was I'd probably have more brothers and sisters than I do."

"Yeah…" Jakotsu looked up at his lover. "You ever want to see a baby being born?"

"No…"

"A pity… it's wild shit."

"Yeah? Besides, how would you know? That's women's stuff."

"I grew up in a whorehouse; there was always babies being born there. And some men like nookying with a woman with a big belly. I heard some of the girls say the nookie's better and if you're tired of your big belly, then a day spent nookying is just thing to get the baby out."

"Really?"

"Yup." Jakotsu grinned. "I know! I'll ask Sui if we can come with him next time the midwife and her daughter's too busy to see all the women having babies."

"I don't know…"

"You'd love it!" the cross-dresser enthused. "Blood and guts, and screaming and crying, and funny smells and they all want to die." He snorted in amusement. "Trust me; you want to kill them too. And sometimes they get their wish and they really do die. I remember Yukiko dying cuz her baby was too big and she had no strength to push it out. And Sui's wife died cuz she bled to death after she had the baby. Sui told me the baby died too. And then… ummm… You okay, Aniki-chan?" Jakotsu asked, noticing the faint greenish tinge to his lover's skin as the color drained out of his face. "You look like how I felt the past few days." He reached up to lay a warm hand on the younger boy's forehead. "You didn't eat anything bad, did you?"

Bankotsu wordlessly shook his head.

"Then what's wrong?"

"Nothing…" the fifteen year old squeaked.

"You sure? I feel better enough to go get Sui."

"It's okay…"

The cross-dresser looked at him as if he did not believe him for a minute. Reaching up to cup the younger boy's cheek he said, "I do it for you, Aniki-chan, in a heartbeat if I could."

"Yeah?"

"Yup! I'm not scared at all… sure it'll hurt like hell shitting that baby out, that's if I really was a hermadingle and all…"

"Really…?" Bankotsu managed as tiny smile. "You'd do that for me?"

Jakotsu nodded. "You'd do it for me, right?"

"Well…"

The cross-dresser huffed wordlessly. Brightening, he said, "You'd never get with child anyways."

"I know that, it's cuz I'm not a hermadingle."

"Well, there's that…" Jakotsu giggled.

"What?!"

"Nothing…" he teased.

"Jakotsu!"

"Alright…" Smiling impishly, he said, "It's because you don't like it when I get too close to your ass." Jakotsu's giggles turned into full blown laughter as Bankotsu tickled him. "Stop-op-op-op… hahahahahahiiiiiiit! HAHAHAHAHA!!"

The younger boy grinned, and acquiescing to his paramour's "demands" he stopped, only to hold the older boy close.

"And you know what?" the cross-dresser wheezed as he slowly caught his breath.

"What?"

"I like things the way they are with you always inside me." He kissed Bankotsu long and hard.

Breaking the kiss, the younger boy said, "I like being there too."

The cross-dresser smiled. "That's cuz I'm nice and tight…"

"Yeah…"

"And since I'm not a hermadingle I won't get with child on you. As much as I'd like to give you an heir, I just remembered what a pain in the ass babies are…"


End file.
